Hold the Noodles, Stonkers!
Simply Food is now producing a cryptocurrency themed brand of ramen called HODL Noodle. Like Dogecoin or Ikea furniture HODL Noodles have no value once you purchase them, and I did not invest in any HODL Noodles during my last shopping trip. I did Tweet about this exciting new form of ramen (the price of stonkz hodl noodles is skyrocketing today #dogecoin) and the Simply Food official Twitter account “liked” my tweet. This Tweet came from one of my accounts that advocates for abolishing the police and forcing billionaires to pay their fair share of taxes. Victory!
Will clever marketing sell a billion dollars worth of HODL Noodles? Their ad copy is weirdly funny, as is their low budget video, if that is any indication. You can buy HODL Noodles at Seattle’s Uwajimaya. HODL Noodles to the moon!
We raise a cup of our finest noodles to the underdogs who won big — and will continue to win big. Simply Food is proud to share this memento with fellow retail investors.
100% of net profits from the HODL NOODLE will be converted to cryptocurrencies and donated to charities.
Why is A1 So Expensive?
Ever wondered why A1 sauce is so expensive? A tiny bottle can run you five or more dollars and even at the case price – two 128 ounce jugs – it comes out to be 44 cents per ounce, as opposed to bulk Heinz Ketchup, where three gallons will run you around 9 cents per ounce. One reason is that ketchup is basically sugary tomato sauce and A1 has a plethora of ingredients, some of which are expensive. A1 is aged in barrels, which also contributes to the cost.
A1 contains “Tomato Puree (Water, Tomato Paste), Vinegar, Corn Syrup, Salt, Raisin Paste, Crushed Orange Puree, Spice, Dried Garlic, Caramel Color, Dried Onions, Potassium Sorbate (to Preserve Freshness), Xanthan Gum, Celery Seed.” The “spice” is rumored to contain dried mushroom powder, anchovy, white pepper and tamarind - some relatively expensive things. Studies suggest Potassium Sorbate is toxic to DNA. Xanthan Gum is a stabilizer and thickener produced by the Xanthomonas campestris bacterium. Reliable sources say that xanthan gum powder might cause flu-like symptoms, nose and throat irritation and lung problems.
A1 was created in 1824 by a chef for King George IV of England and introduced to the United States in 1906. They didn’t have Potassium Sorbate or Xanthan Gum back then, or HODL Noodles, for that matter. Oh, and A1 is delicious!
These days A1 is made by the KraftHeinz conglomerate. We can’t call them a monopoly because a dozen or so giant corporations control most of our food supply, not just one.
Food is Just a Condiment Vehicle
Ever realize that much of our food is just a place to put savory condiments? Can you imagine a ground beef sandwich without ketchup, mustard, pickles or A1? Over here at Nirvana Wok some of our favorite condiments are Jalapeño Tabasco, Original Tabasco, Crystal and Worcestershire. Fallen out of favor as of late: Secret Aardvark and Sriracha. Our family goes through several standard-sized bottles of green and red Tabasco every year, but the Secret Aardvark has been sitting in the fridge that long and is about to be rotated out. Sriracha (chiles, sugar, salt, garlic, distilled vinegar, potassium sorbate, sodium bisulfite and xanthan gum) is great when you are out at a Pho place but otherwise the novelty has worn off. Versions of Sriracha that don’t contain nasty chemicals are available.
Free Beer for Panhandlers!
These days every time I buy a six pack, which is frequently, I give one of the beers to someone who is panhandling outside the supermarket, and there is always someone panhandling outside the supermarket. This brings a small amount of joy to the recipient, and also prevents me from drinking that beer. I don’t give beer to anybody who appears inebriated or in really bad shape. People who are struggling to find housing do not lose the right to enjoy a beer just because of their position in our cruel society. And people that say “I don’t give money to panhandlers because they’ll just spend the money on booze” are assholes.